A solitary man

Can you share a positive example of where you’ve felt loved?

man walking on road at daytimeI feel I’m in trouble trying to answer this question. The reason is simple: I’m not ashamed to say that, except for my mother, I’ve never felt loved by anyone. Do you think it’s sad? Well, maybe. But it’s not a problem for me. Like Neil Diamond’s song, I’m a solitary man who can spend long periods alone. During the Covid lockdown, like many other people, I stayed alone in a small flat in Berlin. It was sometimes tedious, but I’ve never felt depressed because, for example, I couldn’t meet my friends.

Moreover, my relationships with women were always problematic. I love my freedom more than anything else, and, at the same time, I would like to have a woman with my mindset. Therefore, I tend to project myself onto my partner, resulting in a complete mismatch. This makes me angrier, feeling nostalgic for my lost freedom. That’s why I keep saying I was born a solitary man. A different life might have changed my behaviors, but this is a nonsensical discussion as it’s a hypothesis impossible to test.

However, there was a moment and a place where I felt loved. The place was again Berlin, but I prefer not to disclose too many details. There’s nothing secret or strange. It’s simply a short part of my life when I could understand that nobody else could do the same things to help me. Thanks to the help I received, I could quickly leave Berlin after six years that I consider partially and inexorably wasted. I rediscovered myself immediately after returning to my hometown and started building a new life. After a long period of darkness, I saw the light again, thanks only to a pure act of love.

If I think about it, I begin feeling anxious about my last four years in Berlin. Even if I reached a climax in my career, I was paid to give back my health. I can’t forget the days I spent in meetings whose only purpose was cheap-talking. Something that I hate and stress me tremendously.

I’m very pragmatic, and anything based only on meaningless discussions in environments where everyone has to speak only to exhale air without any tangible (and practical) value drives me crazy. I can’t resist. It’s too much for me. I soon reached the top of the hill, feeling constantly low and close to burnout. I needed a helping hand to make me stand again and realize I was trashing my potential only to grow plantations of genuine frustration.

I can sincerely say that in Berlin, I felt loved. Maybe it was the first time I realized it. However, I appreciated it so much, and I’ll be forever grateful for what I received.

Considering all other aspects of my life, I’m convinced I’ll remain a solitary man, happy to be able to walk on his legs. I will quote what Andrés Segovia once said to express what I think about my future: “…the rest is in the mysterious stars of my firmament.”

Niel Diamond’s song is now mandatory!

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Photo by Jordan McQueen


 

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